The first four minutes

When' do people decide whetheror not they want to become friends? During their first four minutes together, according to a book by Dr. Leonard ZuniiL In his book, "Contact: First Four Minutes," he offers this advice to anyone interested in starting a new friendship: "Evejy time you meet someone in a social situ­ation, give him your undivided attention for four minutes. A lot of people's whole lives would change if they did just that"

When we are introduced to new people, the author suggests, we should try to appear friendly and self-confident. In general, he says, "People like people who like themselves."

On the other hand, we should not make the other person think we are too sure of ourselves. It is important to appear interested and sympathetic, realizing that the other person has his own needs, fears and hopes;

But isn't it dishonest to give the appearance of friendly self-confidence when we don't actually feel that way? Perhaps, but according to Dr. Zunin, "total honesty" is not always good for social relationships, especially during the first few minutes of contact/There is a time for everything, a certain amount of play­acting may be best for the first minutes of contact with a stranger. That is not the time to complain about one's health or to men­tion faults one finds in other people. It is not the time to tell the whole {ruth about one's opinion and impressions.

Much of what has been said about strangers, also applies to relationships with family members and friends. For a husband and wife or a parent and child, problems often arise during their first four minutes together after _Nthey have been apart. Dr. Zunin suggests that tliese first few minutes together be treated with care. If there are unpleasant matters to be discussed they should be dealt with later.

Women are friends, I once would have said, when they totally love and support and trust each other, and bare to each other the secrets of their souls, and run to help each other, and tell harsh
truths to each other when harsh truths must be told.

I once would have said that a friend is a friend all the way, but now I believe that's a narrow point of view. For the friendships I have and the friendships I see serve many different functions,
meet different needs and range from those as all-the-way as the friendship of the soul sisters mentioned abpvefto that of the most nonchalant and casual playmates.

Consider these varieties of friendship:

1. Convenience friends. These are women with whom, if our paths weren't crossing all the time, we'd have no particular rea­son to be friends: a next-door neighbour, the mother of one of our children's closest friends and so on.

Convenience friends are convenient indeed. They'll lend us their cups and silverware for a party. They'll drive our kids to soccer when we're sick. They'll take us to pick up our car when

we need a lift to the garage. They'll even take our cats when we go on vacation. As we will for them. But we don't, with convenience friends, ever come too close or tell too much; we maintain our public fece and emotional distance.

2: Special-interest friends. These friendships aren't intimate, and they needn't involve kids or silverware orcats. Their value lies in some interest jointly shared: And so we may have an office
friend or a yoga friend or a tenAis friend 6j a friend from the Women's Democratic Club. My playmate is a shopping friend;, a;woman.of marvelous:taste, a woman who knows exactly
Historical friends. We all have a friend who has known us since childhood. The years have gone by and we've gone separate ways and we've little in common now, but we're still an intimate
part of each other's past.

3. Crossroads friends. Like historical friends, our crossroads friends are important for what was — for the friendship we shared at a crucial, now past, time of life. A time, perhaps, when we
roomed in college together; or worked as eager young singles. Crossroads friends forge powerful links, links strong enough to endure with not much more contact than once-a-year letters.at Christmas. And out of respect for those crossroads years, for those dramas and dreams we once shared, we will always be friends.

5. Men who are friends — I must mention man—woman friend­ ships too. For these friendships can be just as close and as dear as those that, we form with women.

6. There are medium friends, and pretty good friends, and very good friends indeed, and these friendships are defined by their level of intimacy. And what we'll reveal at each of these
levels of jntimaGy is calibrated with care. The best of friends, I still believe, totally love and support and trust each o_;ther, and bale to each other the. secrets of their souls, and tiin — no questions asked -r to help each other, and tell harsh truths to each other when they must be told.

But we needn't agree about everything to tolerate each other's point of view. To accept without judgement. To give and to take without ever keeping score. And to be there, as I am for them and as they are for me, to comfort our sorrows, to celebrate our joys.

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