День Защитника Отечества: Defender of the Fatherland Day.
Demobbed Defenders Don't Do Too Badly
By Michele A. Berdy
День Защитника Отечества: Defender of the Fatherland Day.
Once upon a time Feb. 23 was день Советской Армии (Soviet Army Day), then it got sanitized into the blander (but politically correct) День Защитника Отечества (Defender of the Fatherland Day). But it has always been a мужской день, a day when women give gifts to the men in their lives, make fancy dinners, and don't even ask their husbands to help with the cleaning up. This year, I spent it with a group of former army brats, whose memories of their military fathers (all of whom had doctorates) and garrison life in the early 60s (communal apartments that were like a happy dormitory at an Ivy League college) sound like a dream now. As one friend said: пришли жлобы, содафоны, и наши папаши все ушли (the Army was taken over by a bunch of boors and army clowns, and our dads all left the service).
I don't doubt that there are millions of decent folk in the Russian military these days, too, but I'm sure even they would admit that things have gone downhill. Take hazing: In Russian, it's called ‘дедовщина’ from the word ‘дед’ ("old man," literally grandfather, a senior conscript nearing the end of his tour of duty). In what is euphemistically called "неуставные отношения" (unofficial relations), these guys get to order around, humiliate and torture the younger soldiers. Since every minute you serve raises you up the ladder of seniority and farther away from humiliation, there is an elaborate slang to describe each half year of service, with all kinds of variations depending on the branch of the service and even the region you serve in.
Recruits in the fall call-up are called волки (wolves) or медведи (bears); the spring recruits are called фазаны (pheasants). You start out as a дух (literally "ghost," "soul"), молодой ("youth") or малышка ("baby"). In standard Russian, these guys are новобранцы (recruits, conscripts) or новички (greenhorns). In the U.S. Army, these are grunts or buck privates (a soldier of the lowest rank). After six months you become ‘леник’. During the first half of the second year you are ‘котел’ (literally a "pot") or ‘фазан’. Then you get to be ‘дед’ or ‘старый’ for your last six months of service.
‘Припашка’ (from the word "пахать," to work hard) is additional work around the barracks that you do for one of the older conscripts: Ты пойдешь топить на массу? Нет, Сначала Я припашку сделаю. (Are you going to go and get some sleep? No, I've got some work to do for one of the old men first.)
Additional work is probably the least of your worries. You are a poor soul indeed if someone says of you: вчера мы опустили этого духа (last night we sodomized one of the grunts).
No wonder recruits look for ways to take it easy or get out. Он сачковал (he goofed off); он прикидывался шлангом/чайником (he shirked work, literally "he pretended to be a hose/teapot," i.e. he tried to blend in with the woodwork/wallpaper so as not to be noticed and assigned work.). ‘Косить’ means "to avoid the draft" or "to avoid work." Он косил под шизика (he got out of the draft by pretending to be a schizophrenic); Он косил под дурака (he pretended to be an idiot). Someone who does this is косарь (draft-dodger, goof-off). If you couldn't avoid it, but can't take it, you can always run: он ушел в самоволку (he went AWOL).
If you have the bad luck of serving your term in full, during the last weeks of service ты сидсшь на чемоданах (you sit on your suitcases) or у тебя чемоданный синдром (literally "you have suitcase syndrome"). Someone who has received his demobilization orders is called ‘дембель’, a wordplay on дебил (moron) and демобилизация (demobilization). ‘Дембель’ can also be used to mean the demobilization itself: ушел на дембель (I was demobbed).
And then, for the rest of your life, on Feb. 23 you get a bottle of cognac, a new tie, and the chance to lie on the couch all day without a word from your wife. What a good deal!
It's One Great Pancake
By Michele A. Berdy