Forty-one. Sephy

I walked up onto the stage to the sound of stony silence. Every eye was upon me. I walked over to the microphone with a sudden banging headache which I knew was purely down to nerves. An audience of Nought men and women stood before the stage and they gave out nothing. No expectation, no welcome, no anticipation – nothing. Jaxon walked over to me.

'We can do this,' he whispered into my ear away from the mic. 'Blow them away like you did in the Dew Drop Inn. "We'll start with a ballad, Spontaneous.'

Jaxon walked back to his own mic. And it was just me and the crowd. No one standing in front of me, or around me to hide me. Jaxon was a metre to my left and Sonny was a metre to my right and Rhino was a metre behind us all. They might as well have been kilometres away. Looking out over the audience, I felt like a hunk of bloody meat in a den full of hungry lions, each waiting for the other to pounce first before they joined in.

Jaxon, Rhino and Sonny started playing Spontaneous. The tone from Sonny's keyboard was rich and mellow. Rhino's drumsticks whispered across the drum skin. Jaxon's chords on the guitar could break your heart. But my mind went blank. The music was approaching my cue and I couldn't remember a word of the song. Sweating like a saucepan lid, I opened my mouth hoping the words would fall out at the right moment – and nothing.

'Boo-ooo!'

The catcalls came immediately, led by Amy, who stood before the stage with a malicious smile all over her catlike face. The music trailed away. I stared out into the crowd, who were either whispering together or looking at me with derision.

And I was a girl again at the funeral of Callum's sister, Lynette, being told to leave.

I was a girl again in the school food hall being dragged away for sitting at Callum's table.

I was a girl again, being beaten up in the school toilets for not hiding the fact that Callum was my friend.

And the scary thing was, I hadn't changed. Inside, I was still that same bewildered little girl.

'What the hell are you doing?' Jaxon hissed at me. 'For God's sake sing, or we won't get out of here in one piece.'

After nodding at the others, the guys started playing the introduction again. But I could hardly hear them as the boos got louder and the whistles got shriller and the jeers got sharper.

'Go back to where you came from . . .'

'Get out of here . . .'

'We don't want any daggers in here

'Dagger bitch. Get off the stage . . .'

And once again I missed my cue. Someone threw something small and hard which hit me on my forehead. A coin. I staggered backwards, my hand flying to my temple. It was bleeding. In the audience, some people started to laugh. I looked down at the blood on my fingers, red and vivid. The music trailed off again. Jaxon came over to me, pulling me back away from the mic.

'We'd better go,' he said, already taking off his guitar.

I didn't look at him. From the other side of the club, I could see Alice coming towards us, but even she was having trouble moving through the crowd.

'You see,' Amy shouted at me. 'You're not wanted. Go home, dagger bitch.'

Blood trickled down my cheek. I wiped it with my fingers then, after a moment's thought, slowly smeared it across my cheeks. And I had no idea why. But it seemed like the thing to do. I raised my hand to show the mob the blood on my fingers. The crowd were baying for my blood so I'd give it to them. The noise from the crowd before me died away to nothing as I watched them, catching and holding the eye of as many of them in turn as I could. I stepped up to the mic.

'OK, you win. I'll get off the stage,' I announced. 'But after this.' I turned to Jaxon and said, 'I want to do Bad Attitude!'

Jaxon came over to me, keeping a wary eye on our so-called audience.

'Are you mad? You can't sing that. This lot will think you're singing about them,' Jaxon whispered for my ears only.

'It got them going in the Dew Drop Inn, didn't it? And what's good enough for that place is good enough for this.'

'It doesn't work that way,' Jaxon protested.

'Bad Attitude or I walk,' I told him.

Jaxon gave me a long, hard look. 'I hope you know what you're doing.' He shook his head before going over to Rhino and Sonny to tell them what our first number was going to be.

Moments later, they started playing. I placed myself squarely in front of the mic and waited for my cue. I wasn't going to miss it again.

You've got logs on each shoulder,
And hatred up your sleeve.
They say you think you 're owed it all
And that I can believe,
With your bad attitude.

You've got 'why me?' on your left hand
'Why not me?' on your right.
Why bother talking to me,
When you can stand and fight?
With your bad attitude.

You've got a back-stabbing
Money grabbing
Fast living
Never giving
Smooth talking
Night stalking
Bad attitude.

You tell me I'm not living,
That what you've got is life
And I'd be so much better off
If I took your advice,
And had a bad attitude.

But your heart is closed not open
And your soul is made of stone,
You'll always be a winner
But you'll always be alone
With your bad attitude.

You've got a back-stabbing
Money grabbing
Fast living
Never giving
Smooth talking
Night stalking
No sharing
Past caring
Never crying
Start dying
Bad attitude.

There's nowhere you can run to,
No direction you can turn.
There's nothing that can reach you,
I guess you'll never learn
With your bad attitude.

You've got a bad attitude
A sad attitude, you've got a bad attitude.

The boos started somewhere around the second verse so that by the time the song was finished, I could hardly hear the music above the whistles and catcalls. Well, I didn't write the ruddy song! I smiled inwardly but it was without real humour. I'd deliberately tried to provoke a reaction – and now I had exactly what I'd wanted. A room filled with hatred, sweeping up to me and over me. I glared out, returning it tenfold.

But then I thought of Rose. Her sleeping, smiling image came unbidden and unwelcome into my head. And everything else I was feeling began to recede. Something hard hit me on my shoulder. More missiles were being thrown. I was still standing – just. And the boos were getting louder. Amy was right. I wasn't wanted. But then, I never had been. Except by Rose. Only Rose. I wasn't fool enough to believe Meggie wanted me with her. Her only interest was her granddaughter. My daughter, Rose. That was the one thing, the only thing in the world at that precise moment that made any sense. The only thing that mattered. And in that second, I would've sold my soul to be back at Meggie's and in my bedroom, holding Rose tight to me. Rose was the present and the future. Her father was the past. Could I hold onto that? Or would Callum always come between me and my daughter. I had a choice. Bury myself in the past – with him. Or hold onto Rose and let go of everything else. But it was so hard. And I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and oh so tired.

'I've got one more song for you,' I said into the mic, but I doubt if anyone even heard me. 'This song is Rainbow Child for my daughter, Rose.'

And I didn't even wait for the others to start playing behind me. I just closed my eyes and started to sing. Somewhere in the middle of the song, Jaxon and the others started playing their instruments but I hardly heard them. I wasn't in Russell's any more. I was with my baby, holding on tight, spinning round and round. Or were we the ones standing still whilst the rest of the world whirled around us?

The song finished and I was still with her, holding her so tight that she could hardly breathe. Holding on so tight because I was terrified of what I'd be without her. I had no life without her. And all around me it was strangely quiet. Eerily so. But my heartbeat was steady and my headache had gone. Far away from me, someone booed. Maybe Amy. Maybe not. It didn't last long. And then came the sound of clapping – again muffled and far away from me. Alice stood on stage clapping. Jaxon came over to me and was patting me on the back. He was talking to me but I couldn't hear what he was saying. His mouth was opening and closing, his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. At least he looked happy.

And then I stopped trying to make out what he was trying to say.

Take a step back, Sephy.

I was outside and beyond myself and watching it all from a distance. As if it had nothing to do with me. All I wanted to do was go home. I so desperately needed to see and hold and smell and touch and kiss my daughter. I so desperately needed to lock her up in my arms and never let her go. I looked down at Amy, who was scowling at me. Most of the others in the crowd were clapping. Why were they still clapping? I turned to Jaxon – and my legs crumpled under me as all the lights went out.