Read the jokes. Retell them first in direct speech, then in indirect speech.
1.
A little girl came up to her mother and said; "Spot is a very bad dog. He has been eating my slippers."
"Yes, he is very bad", said the mother, "and he is to be punished."
"Oh, mother, I've punished him already. I went to his kennel and drank his milk."
2.
Tom's father told him to be silent at meal times. Once at dinner Tom wanted to say something but his father looked at him strictly. When the dinner was over, Tom asked his father:
"Are caterpillars good to eat?"
"No," said his father, "Why do you ask?"
"You had one on your salad, but you have eaten it now," answered Tom.
3.
King George III of England was in the country one day and dropped at a small hotel for lunch. He wasn't very hungry, so he had only two boiled eggs. He ate them and asked for the bill. The landlord gave him the bill — two pounds. The King said:
"What! Two pounds for two eggs? Eggs must be very scarce here.” "No, sir," said the landlord, “eggs are not scarce — but kings are.”
4. Too Polite!
I had been so busy that evening, that I had no time to have either tea or supper. When I was walking home, it was long past midnight and my chance of getting a warm meal was next to none. Can you imagine my joy when I suddenly saw the doors of a cafe wide open, and the owner himself at the door. He welcomed me warmly. I shook hands with him and said, “Are you quite sure I'm in time?”
“Yes,” he said, and before I had a chance to say anything more he had given me a big drink and a hot meal, and a glass of port to follow.
I wiped my face, gave a sigh of relief and said, “I say, Henry, how come your cafe is still open?”
“It's very simple, one of my customers is fast asleep,” and he pointed to a gentleman sleeping at his table in front of a bottle.
“Why don't you wake him up?”
“I do, from time to lime, and every time he wakes up he asks for the bill!”
“Don't you give it to him?”
“Yes, I do!”
“And what happens next, doesn't he want to pay it?”
“Er... well, that's the point. He pays the bill at once, gives a tip to the waiter and falls asleep again!”
A Packet of Biscuits
Once I was late for the train. I had to wait for an hour for the next one. So I went to the station buffet. I bought coffee and a packet of biscuits, found an empty table, sat down and began doing the crossword.
After a couple of minutes a man sat down opposite me.
Suddenly he opened my packet of biscuits, took one and put it into his mouth. I couldn't believe my eyes! I was too shocked to say anything... I decided to ignore it. I took a biscuit myself and went back to my crossword.
When the man took the second biscuit, I pretended to be very interested in the puzzle. After a couple of minutes I took the last biscuit, nervously put it in my mouth and decided to leave. .
The man suddenly pushed back his chair, glanced at me furiously and hurried
out of the buffet.
I felt very relieved. I finished my coffee, folded my newspaper and stood up. And there, on the table, where my newspaper had been, was my packet of biscuits.
Lemon Aid
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.1 The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron.2 Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could succeed. Finally, this scrawny3 little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice4, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed with all his might. When he was done, he handed the wrinkled prune-like remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one, two, three... then four... five... and finally six drops fell from the lemon into the glass!
The crowd cheered, and the bartender paid the bet; as he handed over the $1000 he asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack5, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "No, nothing like that... I work for the IRS.6"
1offer a standing $ 1000 bet - установить пари на тысячу долларов
2patron - клиент, посетитель
3scrawny - сухопарый, костлявый, худой
4 in a tiny squeaky voice - писклявым голосом
5 lumberjack - лесоруб
6IRS (Internal Revenue Service) - финансовая инспекция
What Are You Crying About?
Two men, John and Jim, were travelling through the country, they stopped at a small hotel for lunch. On the table there was a large cup of mustard. One of the men, Jim, thought it was something sweet, so he took a spoonful of it. Tears filled his eyes. But he said nothing of the mistake he made. He wanted John to do the same.
So when John wondered what he was crying about Jim said: "I am crying because I have remembered my father who was hanged years ago." Soon after that John took a spoonful of the mustard and when Jim saw tears in his eyes he asked him about his trouble. "I'm crying because you were not hanged on the same day your father was," came the reply.
I Don’t Like Loud Music
George Bernard Shaw was having lunch in a small restaurant in London. While he was eating, he heard the band playing loudly.
B. Shaw never liked loud music and he decided to leave the restaurant as soon as possible. He was just about to ask the waiter to give him the bill when he heard the band stop playing. The conductor looked round the room and noticed the great writer who was leaving the restaurant. He came up to G. B. Shaw and said with a smile, "Would you like the band to play something special for you, sir?" The answer came quickly, "Of course. I'd like them to play chess."
Crossword puzzle
Across clues
3. containing no salt 5. a natural white mineral that is added to food to make it taste better 8. a round fruit with soft yellow or red skin that has sweet juicy flesh 10. a small tube of skin filled with a mixture of meat , spices etc. 14. a garden plant of which the stems are eaten raw or cooked as a vegetable 15. flatfish 16. salted or smoked meat from the back or sides of a pig 19. a long thin silver sea fish that is often eaten salted 20. a yellow citrus fruit 21. a sweet-smelling substance used to giving a special taste to cakes 22. a large flat European seafish 25. a small animal of the hare family used for fur and meat 27. a thick yellowish-white liquid that rises to the top of milk 30. a plant the root of which is roasted and made into powder and is used with or instead of coffee 32. a juicy red soft vegetable eaten raw in salads or cooked 33. a powder that is used for baking and cleaning 35. a large long green vegetable that grows along the ground 36. a thick red liquid made from tomatoes that you eat with food
Down Clues
1. a small ball of minced meat, fish, etc. mixed with potato, eggs, breadcrumbs, etc. and fried 2. a dry brown fruit inside a hard shell, that grows on a tree 4. a plate 6. an onion-like vegetable 7. a sauce made from the juice that comes from meat as it cooks, mixed with flour 8. a grey or pale yellow powder to add a slightly hot taste to food 9. a large fish that lives in lakes, pools and rivers, which you can eat 11. seeds in long pods1 12. meat or fruit covered with pastry and baked in a deep dish 13. kinds of freshwater fish with spiny fins, used as food 17. a flat pale nut with a slightly sweet taste 18. freshwater fish valued as food and for the sport of catching it, particularly in Great Britain 21. a hot, dark brown drink that has a slightly bitter taste 23. water in which meat has been boiled 24. a substance used for making bread rise 26. a solid yellow food made from milk or cream that you spread on bread or use in cooking 28. a cereal plant that produces a large crop of small yellowish seeds used for making a kind of porridge 29. popular porridge in Great Britain is made of them 31. an orange-red root used as vegetable 34. a common water bird that is used for its meat, eggs and feathers
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