The foreign menace

BRIT-THINK: Brits are an insular people, who tend to stay put. They are physically and culturally homogeneous, and can spot outsiders miles off. Until relatively recently, Britain had no major influx of black or Asian immigrants, and therefore, no obvious target group to hate. Frustrated Yorkshiremen were forced to turn on Lancastrians as surrogate foreigners, and these local resentments have endured, even in the face of outside competition.

When non-whites appeared in significant numbers after the Second World War, Brits were faced with a problem: how to assimilate groups who had no obvious place in the class system? How to resist social fermentation, or – horror of horrors – change? So far, they have managed to keep chaos at bay. By some political slight-of-hand, immigrants have been consistently denied an effective power-base.

Brits repose no confidence in foreigners. Hyper-conscious of ‘them’ and ‘us’, they trust only ‘us’ ... and ‘us’ is often limited to people they went to school with, or those born in the same street. Everyone else is unreliable. Non-Brits are very unreliable, and have no standards. Some Brits are more reliable than others, especially if they’ve been to good schools. People with manual jobs are sometimes reliable, but in their case, you call it ‘honesty’ or ‘loyalty’.

In truth, Brits are irritated by all foreigners ... even white ones. They dislike the intrusion, the disruption to The System, and the tacit invitation to compare themselves with others – especially to their own detriment. As a rule, they do not feel inspired or motivated by unfamiliar ideas ... they feel swamped and threatened.

So, they dislike Frenchmen (‘Frogs’), Germans (‘Krauts’), Yanks, Nips, and anyone else suspected of wanting to earn a living in the modern world. Xenophobia has reached record levels. This is why Brits are so keen on international football matches. They are perfect opportunities to beat up the other side’s supporters for being foreign.

British league-table of foreigners (reading from most to least reliable)

Swiss

Have done very-nicely-thank-you by sitting on the fence. Are now running out of things to be neutral about. They lack humour, but are good at banks.

Americans

As Masters of the Planet, must be kept sweet. Would feel much better if we had ‘dual key’, and the guys in charge had grey matter.

Germans

If you forget the Second World War, and concentrate on up-market cars, electronics, fitted kitchens, and other things ‘sprung technik’.

Swedes

Sexually deviant, drug-crazed, loony social ideas – but they do keep the place clean.