Twenty. Sephy

Darling Callie,

This is definitely my week for visitors. Guess who turned up this morning? Mother. I watched her glide up the ward looking neither right nor left like some kind of imperious empress. And shall I tell you the strangest thing. I was so glad to see her. She approached my bed without a smile, her eyes clear, her expression alert. I realized with a start that she wasn't drunk or in any of her usually drunken stages – no hangover, no hunted, haunted, anticipatory gleam in her eyes as she contemplated her next drink – nothing. She was clean. I'd seen her once at the hospital when Minerva was shot. She'd said hello to me. I walked past her without saying a word. I didn't want to speak to her then. I wasn't sure what I wanted now.

'Hello, Persephone.'

'Hello . . . Mother.'

Mother headed straight for the cot. The moment she saw you, Callie, she stopped still. A slow smile curved her lips and lit her face from within. I've never seen an expression on her face like it – before or since. It was a look of complete, unconditional love. As she bent to pick you up, my hand went out to stop her, only to fall back to my side. Mother held you up high, never taking her eyes off you before she cradled you in her arms.

'Hello, Callie Rose – and welcome,' Mother whispered.

A single tear escaped down my cheek at that. I turned my head so that Mother wouldn't see and surreptitiously wiped my cheek. Not that I needed to hide my face. Mother only had eyes for her grandchild.

'Sephy, she's so beautiful,' Mother said, almost awestruck.

'Yeah. She looks just like her dad,' I said quietly.

Mother looked from me to you, Callie. I found myself holding my breath, waiting to hear what she'd say to that. I thought she'd put you down and change the subject at the very least.

But she didn't.

'Yes, she does,' Mother agreed at last. 'I assume you called her Callie after Callum.'

'It was the closest girl's name to his that I could think of.'

'Callie Rose . . . It's a beautiful name,' said Mother. 'It suits her.'

I wanted to scream at her to stop. Her condemnation and contempt I could handle. But this being kind to me, the approval and the love in her voice as she looked at you slipped under my guard and was hurting. Very much. Her indifference was much easier to fight against than her understanding.

'Why're you here, Mum?' I asked, deliberately calling her Mum because I knew she preferred Mother. But she didn't have a go. She just smiled.

'I wanted to see you and my granddaughter,' she said. 'And if I'd known where you were living, I'd've been round to see you a lot sooner.'

'You saw the newspaper announcement?'

'Knowing you, wasn't that the whole idea?' asked Mother.

'As I told Minerva, Callie and I were meant to be out of here by the time they ran it.'

'Then I thank the heavens that you weren't,' smiled Mother.

I looked at her then, really looked at her. 'So how come you didn't come to visit before now.'

'I wasn't sure of my welcome. But Minerva seemed to think you wouldn't have me thrown out,' said Mother.

'I'd never do that,' I said.

'I wouldn't blame you if you did,' Mother shrugged. 'So when d'you come out?'

'It was meant to be today but they're keeping us in for one more night.'

'And what're your plans?' asked Mother.

'To live each day minute by minute. I don't have any other plans,' I told her.

Not any more.

'Minute by minute doesn't work with a baby. You need to plan ahead, for your daughter's sake.'

'And how old can she be before I stop caring like you did?' I asked with venom.

'Sephy, I know I wasn't there for you when you needed me most, but I want to make up for it now – if you'll let me.'

I didn't reply.

Mother sighed. 'I was a politician's wife, Sephy. Public duties often had to come before everything else – including you and Minerva. And including my own wants and needs. Your father expected nothing less.'

I shrugged. Mother wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know.

Silence. 'D'you still blame me for Callum's death?' Mother asked.

I looked away from Mother when she asked that. Her repeated sigh told me that she thought I'd answered her question. But the truthful answer was . . . no.

'Sephy, the past is over and it's time for all of us to let it go. We have to do what's right for your daughter now,' said Mother.

We . . .

'And that is?' I tensed up, waiting to hear her talk about adoption or fostering or farming out my baby to anyone who'd take her.

'I think it would be best for you and Callie Rose if you both came back home with me,' said Mother carefully.

I started to laugh – I couldn't help it. 'You must be joking, Mother.'

'Why not?' Mother asked quietly.

'Because we can't turn the clock back. We've both said too much and been through too much . . .'

'I'm not suggesting we turn the clock back,' said Mother. 'What I want is for the three of us to move forward from here and now.'

'Just like that?'

'Just like that,' said Mother.

'It's that simple?'

'It is if you let it be. Sephy, you've always been one to do things the hard way. This is easy,' said Mother. 'Come home. You and Callie Rose will be more than welcome.'

'Really?'

'Yes. I want you home with me more than anything else in the world. I want us to be friends again. And I want to help with Callie.' When I tried to interrupt, Mother rushed on. 'I won't try to take over – and I'll respect the fact that you're Callie's mother, not me. But I want to be a part of your life again, Sephy. And I want to be part of my granddaughter's life as well.'

Mother and I regarded each other. How I longed to be welcome – anywhere. And I could see that Mother meant every word. We'd both said some hateful, hurtful things over the last few months but I was tired. Was I too tired to even hate her any more? What should I do, Callum? Moving in with Mother would be so easy. And Callie and I would be safe in Mother's house. Jude wouldn't be able to get near us. But more importantly than that, I wouldn't be alone with a new baby. I wouldn't have to cope on my own and Mother would be there to back me up. To draw a line under the past and move forward . . . I longed to be able to do just that. Maybe moving back in with Mother was the first step. With a start, I realized I was already trying to talk myself into it.

'I still think about Callum a lot,' I warned her.

'I wouldn't expect anything less,' said Mother. 'He was your first love and the father of your child. That counts for an awful lot.'

'It's a shame you didn't see it that way a few months ago when you were trying to force me to have an abortion.' I couldn't hide the bitterness that crept into my voice.

'Yes, it is,' Mother surprised me by agreeing sombrely. 'And I'll regret that to my dying day. But please let me make it up to you, both of you.'

It was so much to forgive and forget. Maybe too much?

'Can I think about it?' I asked at last.

'That means no,' said Mother sadly.

'No. It means I'd like us to be friends again but I've rushed into so many bad decisions recently, I just need to think about it a bit more,' I said.

'Sephy, your daughter needs a stable, steady home,' said Mother, using my daughter against me.

'Are you still drinking – even a little bit?' I asked.

Mother stiffened at the question, but no way was I going to trust her with my daughter if she was still drinking.

'I haven't drunk anything stronger than orange juice since the day Callum was . . . killed,' Mother informed me.

'How come?'

At first I thought Mother wasn't going to answer, but at last she said, 'Because I didn't just lose the son of one of my best friends that day. I lost my daughter as well.'

No denials. No arguments. No words.

'Come home, Sephy. Please,' Mother said softly. 'I promise you things will be different.'

'OK,' I nodded.

'What?'

For the first time in living memory, Mother forgot her manners! No 'Pardon?', no 'Excuse me?' – just 'What?'! I laughed.

'I said, OK!' I repeated. 'I'll come home with you.'

'You will?' Mother's face lit up like a lighthouse. She looked so happy. Joyously happy. And I'd done that. Seeing her so happy made my mood lighter as well. I'd be lying if I said I was entirely convinced about the wisdom of what I was doing. Was I just taking the easy way out? What about all my big talk about standing on my own two feet and never asking anyone in my family for anything again? But I had someone else to consider now as well as myself. And at least, good or bad, I'd made a decision. Maybe the future didn't have to be quite so daunting after all.

'I'll go home now and get your room ready. And I'll have the study converted into a nursery. D'you want Callie Rose to sleep in the same room as you for the time being? I don't mind having her in my room and feeding her through the night if you want a good night's sleep. Goodness, I have so much to do . . .'

'Mother, slow down,' I told her. 'I don't want any fuss. And please don't do anything to the study. Callie will sleep in my room until she's a lot older and then maybe we can decorate one of the spare bedrooms for her.'

'Fair enough. I guess I am getting a little ahead of myself,' Mother laughed.

'Just a bit,' I agreed.

Mother placed my daughter very carefully into my outstretched arms.

'Sephy, it'll be so good to have you home.' Mother kissed me on the cheek, something she hadn't done in years.

'It'll be good to be home, Mother,' I replied.

But somewhere inside, a flicker of lingering doubt still remained. Was this the right decision? Or just another of my hasty, bad ones?

I'd know soon enough.