People of Ukraine: Part 1 – Men

Alina Rudya regrets what she calls “Slavic man syndrome.” Men usually play an important role in the lives of almost every female. We deal with them when we work, party or go on vacation. They are our fathers, brothers, boyfriends and lovers. Men are everywhere. They dominate this world (or at least they think they do) and there is no place where they cannot be found.

There are different kinds of men on the planet: nice men, awful men, handsome men, ugly men, black men, white men, gay men, straight men, straight men who act gay, strong men, super men, men who make you laugh and men who spoil your life. There are also “bastard-you-slept-with-my-best-friend” men as well as “you-are-such-a-pushover-I-should-have- never-married-you” ones.

Since I’m from Ukraine and I travel a lot, even though I’m not an oligarch, I have made observations about men in different parts of the world. Stereotypes: French men are the best lovers; Italians are pushy and noisy; Russians drink a lot; Ukrainians are greedy; Danish are boring; Spanish are macho; Germans are disciplined; and Norwegians are all blond.

Not true, of course, in all cases. But, still, there are common traits found in men who come from the same territory. Some men might say: “I’m not like [my other countrymen], I’m different!” But of course, you are. I am writing about others. So, don’t take this personally.

As a Ukrainian woman, I’ve had the most exposure to Ukrainian men. The first thing you notice about them is their physical appearance. Most of my foreign girlfriends and I have noticed that most Ukrainian men are not very attractive ... physically. This can be generalized to Slavic men. You always hear about how pretty Ukrainian girls are, but you have probably never heard of a Ukrainian male supermodel.

One of the reasons for this is called “Slavic man syndrome.”

This is what happens to a man in his 30s when he doesn’t engage in sports very much, when he drinks and smokes heavily, and when he eats a lot of unhealthy food. It appears that 80 percent of Ukrainian men have this syndrome.

It also gets worse when a man is married. He stops thinking about his looks and health altogether, it seems, and at the crucial age of 40 he turns into a balding, beer-bellied unattractive creature with yellow teeth and bad breath. My father was not like that. You are probably not like that either. But I am not writing about you, remember, so don’t be offended. Nevertheless, I didn’t invent this term. Moreover, I’ve noticed a tendency among my 20-something male friends to get this syndrome.

The reason men develop this syndrome is obvious. For every 10 girls, there are only nine guys in Ukraine. So, no matter how bad you look, you still have a chance to find a girl. This is why you can see so many cute girls with not-so-attractive guys on the streets. And since some girls are not satisfied with this deal, they go looking for a husband or a boyfriend from somewhere like New Zealand, where there are 10 guys for nine girls. But that’s a different story.

Some might say that leading a healthy way of life requires a decent amount of money, which some men don’t have. But please, quitting smoking and drinking and starting to jog every morning doesn’t cost money – it saves money.

My observation is that most Ukrainian men think that a guy has to look just a bit better than a gorilla, an attitude that sets them apart from most European guys I’ve met. I also think many Ukrainian men tend to be a bit homophobic, so caring too much about one’s appearance is considered too gay.

Some guys don’t even take a shower more than once a week, let alone get manicures or shave their armpits. If you don’t believe me, walk into a stuffed metro car during rush hour in the middle of summer. The smell is so bad that sometimes it feels as if you’re under a chemical attack.

Water is very cheap in Ukraine (as I wrote in an earlier column). But it looks like some guys were never taught by their moms how to use it. To be perfectly honest, there are guys like that everywhere – in Germany, in the United States, in France, etc. The bottom line, however, is that the nose never lies: It stinks more in Kyiv’s metro in summer than anywhere else I’ve been.

Most of my Ukrainian male friends, as well as my Ukrainian boyfriend, are not like this, of course. They’re part of a new generation. But the old mentality and traditions are still very strong so, no offense, but some guys need to get out of the Stone Age. They should at least understand that the “smoking kills” written on the cigarette pack is not just a filler. The common saying: “Salo-syla, sport-mogyla” (“Lard is strength, while sports is death”) is supposed to be ironic!

Ukrainian men are obviously more traditional than Western Europeans. They still pay for a woman in the restaurant, help her to get out of the bus and propose marriage when their girlfriends get pregnant. That sounds quite positive (at least for non-feministic women), but is it really?

If a guy earns his money and pays for a girl who is still a student, I find it very generous and nice. But if a schoolboy takes money from his parents to pay for a girl who gets the same pocket money from her parents, that’s where I find traditions stupid and the Western European way of going Dutch to be smart and logical. Moreover, the Slavic men’s logic in paying for a girl is very well-described in a rude joke: “the one who pays the girl dances her.”

Getting out of the bus is another funny tradition. How many times have guys pulled their hand away when they saw me and not their girlfriend getting out of the bus first? It drives me to the conclusion that some men are nice only to those women they want to have sex with.

As for getting married after making a baby – well, what a relief for some Ukrainian women it could be, except for one thing….the divorce rate in Ukraine is among the highest in Europe.

Ukrainian men are quite superficial when it comes to these traditions. Some Westerners I knew made no pretense of being nice. But at least their intentions were clear while the souls of many Ukrainian men are rather mysterious.

Character is what bothers me most about Slavic men. Most of them are very negative and pessimistic. I see more depressing, grumpy and sad faces in Ukraine than anywhere else (except possibly in Russia, where there are more people.)

Some might say that traditions put a lot of pressure on men as the breadwinner. In Europe, women are more emancipated, so men don’t have to worry as much about them. But to be honest, it really doesn’t depend on how much money a person earns or how many cars one owns.

You might remember a common joke about a Ukrainian who caught a goldfish and was promised to get anything he wanted – but with the condition that his neighbor gets twice as much.

“So if I’ll get a house, my neighbor gets two?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“And if I ask for a cow, my neighbor gets two cows then?”

“You are right.”

“Then I want to lose one eye,” he finally wished. Amen I say to this.

A large part of the Ukrainian (as well as Soviet) population suffered from the Stalinist regime and two 20th century world wars. Millions were killed in battle or in Stalin concentration camps. Many poets, writers, politicians and offspring of aristocracy in both Ukraine and Russia were killed during the Soviet era. Those were people who carried really good genes. It sounds unfair and chauvinistic, but this might be a good theory to explain not only the physical side but also the character and mentality of many contemporary Ukrainians.

“My house is at the end of the village,” “if I only knew” and “somehow it will be done” are famous expressions written by Ukrainian writer Ostap Vyshnia in the middle of the 20th century. These sentiments describe many Ukrainian men.

Unfortunately, the smart and strong have always been moving away from Ukraine. In the 18th and 19th centuries, they moved to St-Petersburg, Moscow and Warsaw. In the 20th century, they went to Canada, the United States and Stalinist camps. The 21st century is not starting out so well in this regard, either. Neither political nor economic conditions in Ukraine are good for growing strong Cossacks. This makes me really, really sad.