Twelve. Sephy

Darling Callie,

The doctors tell me that you're holding your own. They try to suggest that I'm not doing myself any good by not resting and eating properly, but I hardly hear them.

You've been in the incubator for almost three days now. I sat down next to your bed this morning, my arms through the holes in the incubator. I was so exhausted, I dozed off in my chair. The next thing I knew, I was being gently shaken awake.

'Miss Hadley? Miss Hadley?' The gentle but insistent voice finally got through to me.

I opened my eyes and gazed up at a male nurse and two female doctors, one a Nought, the other a Cross. I was instantly awake.

'What is it? What's happened?'

'It's OK, Miss Hadley,' said Dr Aldener, the Cross doctor. She gave what was obviously meant to be a reassuring smile, but it only served to make me feel that she was hiding something. 'We have good news. Your daughter is getting stronger. We'll keep her in the incubator for today and if she continues to breathe on her own without any problems, she can go back to the ward with you either later this evening or some time tomorrow.'

The bubble burst of joy inside me quickly subsided and doubt took over. 'Shouldn't Callie try breathing by herself for longer than a day before she's moved?' I asked.

Did they really believe you were fit to be moved, Callie, or was it that at the first sign of recovery they were going to move you so some other baby could have the incubator?

'We won't move her until we're sure it's absolutely safe to do so,' the other doctor soothed. 'But we all feel that she's out of the woods.'

'You're sure?' I asked, only slightly mollified.

'Absolutely,' smiled the Nought doctor.

Yes, I was being selfish, but no way was I going to let them move you before you were completely better. So I watched and waited. But mainly waited. All day and into the night. You breathed by yourself without that awful tube up your nose but you were still a bit snuffly. I fed you every time you woke up, holding you against my heart, my finger on your palm as your tiny fingers grasped it like a life line. It was the first time I'd been able to feed you since you'd been put in SCBU.

I tell myself that being allowed to hold you and feed you myself must surely be a good sign. We'll be out of here soon, Callie. I've got it all planned. We'll go back to my home and I'll make a good life for both of us, I swear I will. I don't have any money but I'll get a job and work hard. School will have to wait for a few years. I'm only eighteen. I've got all the time in the world to go back to school and then on to university to maybe study law. I'd still like to do something useful like Kelani Adams – she's the lawyer who defended Callum and his dad Ryan when they were both dragged to court on spurious charges. I still live in hope that one day I'll be able to be a lawyer like her, or maybe I can get training to provide legal aid for those who need it. Maybe one day. So don't worry, Callie. We have all the time in the world and then some. But you come first now. So I'll get a job. Callie, you and I are going to be so happy together – you just see if we aren't.

I've got it all planned.