Sixty-four. Sephy
Rose, you're so lovely. Too lovely for all this violet around you. You deserve better. You deserve more. I've put you in my favourite of all your dresses. It's the cream-coloured satin one with silk ribbons across the bodice and the long, puffed sleeves. Nana Jasmine bought you that dress. My mother always did have good taste. The dress looks so beautiful against your beige skin. You're so beautiful. I look at you, drowning in your blue-brown eyes, and even now I can't believe I made something so precious. Meggie has gone shopping and we're all alone in the house. And I'm grateful for the solitude. I smile as I watch you chew on your fist with toothless gums. You're dribbling all over your hand and all over me. I can't help but smile.
'I love you, Rose. I want you to be happy,' I whisper. 'It's what you deserve.'
And you could be happy, we could both be happy if people would just leave us alone. But that's never going to happen.
I know that now.
This world was never meant for someone as beautiful as my baby. I gather you into my arms and take you downstairs to the living room. You begin to grizzle. I kiss your forehead and your nose and your lips.
'Hush, my darling. Mummy loves you very much. More than life itself,' I whisper in your ear. 'It's my birthday today, Rose. And I want to make it a special day. A day just for you.'
In the background, on the radio, as if on cue, Rainbow Child begins to play. I smile at you, you smile at me. I hold you to me, hug you to me so that your face is against me, as close to my heart as I can get you. You begin to whimper. I'm holding you too tight. I'm sorry, darling. But I can't let you go. I don't know how. I start to sing along to the radio, very softly.
You bring a sweet embrace
And with the smile upon your face
You bring me grace, my rainbow child.
You bring me autumn days,
Turn my face to golden rays,
You bring me bliss, my rainbow child.
And what was life before you?
And do you know how I adore you?
And it scares me how I feel,
All my past scars fade and heal
When I hold my rainbow child.
You bring a quiet time,
Life has meaning, thoughts have rhyme,
You bring me peace, my rainbow child.
You bring down all my fences,
You invade my heart and senses,
You bring me hope, my rainbow child.
And what was life before you?
And do you know how I adore you?
And it scares me how I feel,
All my past scars fade and heal
When I hold my rainbow child.
Take a look,
Stop and stare,
Love is shining,
Everywhere.
There is nothing
Left to fear,
I am with you
Always near
And if this world should make me bleed
I'll remember you're all I need.
You bring the blinding light,
You bring the stars at night,
You bring me love, my rainbow child.
You 're all the colours that I see,
You mean everything to me.
Yes, you will always be, my rainbow child.
And what was life before you?
And do you know how I adore you?
And it scares me how I feel,
All my past scars fade and heal
When I hold my rainbow child.
By the time I stop singing, you've stopped whimpering. You're so quiet, Rose. So very quiet. Meggie steps into the room, a carrier bag full of shopping in each hand. I can hardly see her through the tears in my eyes. I try to get up but my legs won't work. I look down at you. You're so very quiet. So peaceful. The very thing I want for you.
Peace.
'Meggie,' I whisper. 'What should I do? Rose isn't breathing . . .'