Chapter Sixteen. Beth arrived at the start line early

Beth arrived at the start line early. She wanted to take extra time to stretch her calf muscle. It hadn’t bothered her much the past few days, but thirteen miles would tax her legs.

The race would start on the Embarcadero. As the runners gathered on the waterfront, milling about and warming up, Beth kept off to the side of the street. She didn’t think she could cope with seeing Mary. The sidelines filled with race supporters holding to-go coffee cups and huddling against each other in the cool San Francisco breeze. The fog was abnormally thin and Beth could see the dim outline of the sun hovering just beyond the haze.

More runners arrived and the race officials began making announcements over a loudspeaker system, thanking sponsors and welcoming participants. Many of the runners were sponsored, raising money for various charities. Some of these were mentioned. Onlookers cheered and waved banners. Beth heard her name being called and spotted Alder and the rest of the Coop waving from the street curb. She jogged over and hugged everyone.

“Thanks for being here. It really means a lot.”

“We wouldn’t let you run without your posse rooting for you,” Keith said as he cradled his thermos. No doubt it contained orange juice with a little kick.

“We’ll meet up with you at the finish line,” Alder said.

Beth nodded. “You know where it is, don’t you? Golden Gate Park, in the Rose Garden.”

“We’ll be there. Have a great race.” Alder waved as the group made their way through the crowd.

“Bathroom stations,” the announcer blared, “are next to each water station. And there is disabled access.”

Beth bent down and wrapped her hands around her ankles, giving her hamstrings a much-needed stretch. She felt someone touch her back and jerked upright.

“Mary,” was all she could get out. She looked incredible, in short blue running shorts and a white long-sleeve T-shirt.

“Hi, I’m glad you decided to run.” Mary’s eyes sparkled but her smile seemed reserved. “It’s good to see you.”

“It is,” Beth had to admit.

“Has your training gone well?”

“Yes.” Running without Mary for the past few days had been difficult emotionally, but Beth had driven herself hard as a way of escaping her chaotic thoughts.

“When are you leaving for L.A.?” Mary asked.

“Later today.”

“Ah, life will get back to normal pretty soon, then.”

“As normal as it’ll ever be, I guess.”

“Know that I’ll miss you.”

Beth felt her resistance begin to dissolve. She couldn’t just ignore the woman who made her feel so alive. She put her hand to her breast. “I never expected to meet someone like you, Mary. I’ll miss you, too.”

The truth was as uncomplicated as it was real.

Mary smiled, and the silence that fell between them was comfortable. “I enjoyed every second with you.”

“You made me feel some wonderful things.” Beth laughed. “In some unusual places.”

“Just one unusual place.”

“Well, it was quite an experience. I didn’t think I had it in me.”

Mary paused before saying, “It was like you were a lone candle, sitting there dark and still. You just needed to be relit.” She smiled. “The best part is, you let me hold the match.”

They looked at each other and Mary chuckled. “I know that sounded pretty corny. What I mean is that it made me feel good to spend time with you. You let me in and I liked what I felt.”

“Thank you.”

Beth didn’t know what else to say. Her body screamed at her to tell Mary that she wanted her, but her brain wouldn’t allow the confession. Inviting Mary back into her world just wouldn’t be logical when she was planning to be in L.A. by tomorrow. She surveyed the runners gathering around them, awaiting their signal. They were in the fifth wave, starting almost thirty seconds after the race leaders. She returned her attention to Mary, catching an odd look on her face.

As if to break the tension and drag them onto safe ground, Mary said, “They’re predicting seventy degrees later. Perfect running weather.”

Beth nodded. “Have a really good race.”

She felt an ache in her heart when Mary’s face washed over with sadness. Mary leaned in and kissed her cheek. Her lips lingered there for a long moment, as though she might whisper something in Beth’s ear, but the words never came. She turned and walked away toward the back of the pack.

Beth didn’t move. Bodies jostled around her. Officials marshaled. The hum of excitement rose. Everyone smoothed their bibs and checked that they were wearing the timing chips scanned earlier. People who didn’t return these were not counted as race finishers and had to pay a fine. Somewhere ahead, a wave of runners left. Their feet blurred as Beth wiped her eyes. A woman next to her fidgeted urgently with her shoes and Beth realized their turn had come.

At the loud pop of the starting gun, the mass of runners began to move out, clicking their built-in stopwatches on. Roughly twenty seconds after the gun, Beth crossed the start line midway in the pack. She ran slower than her usual pace, following her plan so she could establish her own pace rather than try to keep up with anyone else. She wondered where Mary was. Probably well behind her. Beth had last seen her disappearing behind a group of runners a long way back. With their paces being pretty equal, she doubted Mary would catch up to her.

Supporters cheered as they made their way past the Ferry Building, heading for Fisherman’s Wharf. Listening to the return shouts from the runners, Beth felt intensely alone. Everyone looked so happy and spirited, but all she felt was despair. From the first time she’d gone out to train with Mary, she’d looked forward to running the race with her. She had pictured them sprinting side by side and hugging as they finished together. She had wanted to share that triumphant moment with Mary and no one else.

As she placed one foot in front of the other, she imagined the measured rhythm of Mary’s breathing and the sight of her shoes striking the ground. In her mind, they talked, whiling away the minutes that often passed so slowly during a run. She swung her gaze up toward the tall shaft of Coit Tower and imagined Mary making some silly, sexy remark about its shape.

But she had put an end to that. She couldn’t just have Mary as a friend without desiring her with everything she had. After only two weeks, she knew how hazardous it would be to give in to that desire. She couldn’t set herself up for more heartbreak. It would destroy her.

Beth focused on the back of the runner immediately in front of her and tried to think about anything but Mary. Her mouth. Her beautiful body. The hands that caressed Beth to the edge of reason and beyond, until she lost all control and her brain refused to work. She had never felt so completely physical, so free of the shackles of reason and belief. In those moments, it had seemed that anything was possible.

Brain chemistry was affected by great sex, she reminded herself. And making love with Mary had been exquisite. Making love? The thought jarred. Hadn’t it been just sex? Wasn’t that what she’d set out to have—a hot encounter or two? Some recreation between the sheets just to prove that she could be with another woman, that she could still feel good?

Beth’s throat closed and her breathing became uneven, disturbing the timing of her strides. They were running uphill. She looked around, stunned to find herself on the Golden Gate Bridge with the ocean glinting far below. Seagulls swooped overhead. The sun had come out and Beth could count the rivets gleaming in the steel girders above her. She passed time that way, keeping her pace steady and getting herself back into rhythm. They had made love, she thought rebelliously. No matter what her cool, rational mind insisted, she could not deny Mary’s tender touches and passionate kisses. She would never forget the way Mary held her after she came, like Beth was the most precious creature in the world. Mary was kind and caring. Her consideration was unwavering when they were together. Being with her had felt so…stable.

A lone thought floated to the front of her consciousness. Maybe Mary wasn’t the player Beth thought she was. She dismissed the idea immediately. Damn it, she could talk herself into anything, and so far her judgment hadn’t been impressive. She’d fooled herself that Stephanie was wonderful, too. Mary was Mary, and no matter what Beth tried to make herself believe, that wasn’t going to change.

She just needed to finish the race and go home.

She forced herself to breathe deeply as she followed the constant stream flowing around Vista Point on the loop back over the bridge, heading in the other direction. Once they reached the Presidio, she slowed at a water station, realizing she hadn’t been taking in enough fluid.

The volunteer made the handoff yelling, “You’re looking good.”

She had three more miles to run. Beth’s legs felt heavy and she knew she was dehydrated. Of all the practices ingrained over her years as a runner, drinking was second nature. She took for granted that she knew when to supply her body with the water and electrolyte she needed on long runs. She should have grabbed an energy gel at the last station.

Beth made an effort to relax. Everything was going to be fine. She felt a little weak, that was all. She should have trained more intensely for longer so she could have used the past few days to taper back. Her muscles were tiring more quickly than she’d hoped, but there was no need to panic. It didn’t matter if her time was a little slower, she was only running for herself.

She dropped her pace and fell back behind the cluster of runners she’d been leading. They were going downhill into Richmond, bunching a little on the straight stretch of road. Cheering supporters lined the route approaching the green haven of Golden Gate Park. Beth thought she saw Alder, but she wasn’t sure. She waved anyway and swerved toward a water station, belatedly picking up the small energy booster she needed.

Minutes later, it happened instantly and without warning. Making the turn onto Fulton Street, she felt a sudden tightening, followed by a burning tear, and then she was falling. She buckled and collapsed, first smashing her knees on the rough, pebbled pavement and then coming down hard on the palms of her hands. The excruciating burn caused her lungs to seize into knots, forcing out short, painful gasps as she writhed on the ground. Both knees were bloody and she rolled onto her back, grimacing in pain.

The sun had appeared again, unexpectedly blinding her. She had to get up. She had to get out of the way of those coming up behind her. At once the sun disappeared, but she realized its absence was not about cloud cover but the silhouette of a woman blocking the glare.

“My hand.” The woman bent over her.

Mary.

Beth barely heard the command. Strong fingers wrapped around hers and a hand scooped under her armpit. She was on her feet again, wobbling and blinking.

Avoiding the other runners, they got out of the street and Mary helped her sit on the curb. Her right knee was the bloodiest. A large gash flowed quite freely. Mary pulled off her bib and T-shirt, which she pressed to the wound.

Her fire training helped her to assess Beth’s condition. Peering into her eyes, she asked, “Beth, where are you?”

“I’m certainly not sitting in Tahiti with a cocktail.”

“I guess you didn’t hit your head when you went down.”

“No. My calf cramped, but this time, it ripped into me like I’d never felt before. It started to tighten on the bridge but I ignored it. I drank some more water on Twenty-seventh Street, and that should have helped, but when I turned the corner back there it just went.” She reached below her knee and gave the muscle a poke. “The cramp is gone now.”

A medic in official attire pulled up on his bicycle. He grabbed a small kit from a bag behind his seat and crouched next to them. After a quick check of Beth’s pupils, he asked, “Let’s see.”

Mary removed her bloody T-shirt and sat with her arm around Beth as the medic cleaned and bandaged the injuries to both knees.

Runners continued to pass by.

“I’ve screwed up your race,” Beth said.

“You didn’t do anything of the sort.”

The medic helped her to her feet. They thanked him and as he bicycled away, Beth gingerly bent one knee and then the other, testing them.

“Are you okay?” Mary asked. “Do you feel dizzy?”

Beth shook her head. “No. I’m fine, but I’m not going to push my luck. Go ahead. Finish your race.”

Having Mary’s arm around her for the past few minutes had been excruciating. Even now, Beth wanted more than anything to nestle her face into Mary’s neck and just fall into her. But it was self-punishment to desire someone who only wanted an affair. Mary was the perfect woman in an imperfect situation.

“Tell me what the matter is, Beth. Do you need me to help you walk?”

The matter is that I wish you were interested in more than just playing around.

Beth suppressed a sob of exhaustion and defeat. Her bloodied legs were rapidly tightening up and she could barely move them. Her mind, her heart and her legs were wholly defeated.

“No. Really. I’ll be fine.”

“If you want to run without me, I can—”

“I can’t do this, Mary,” Beth shouted. “It’s too hard. Please. Just go.” And stop breaking my heart!

Mary flinched as if she’d been slapped. The look on her face pierced Beth’s heart. Without another word, she stepped back, took a last long look at Beth, and jogged off.

Beth knew she needed to move but all she could do was stare after her, craning to see her as more runners filed past and her view got blocked. She could still see a blond head and Mary’s race number, but only in glimpses. And then she was out of sight, mixed in with the rest of the mass, heading into the final miles.

Beth heart sank. What in God’s name had she done? She’d fallen desperately for Mary and wanted nothing more than to tell her so, but Mary was gone for good. What more did she have to lose? She couldn’t imagine her heart aching any more than it did right then, so it couldn’t have done any more damage to tell Mary how she felt. She was undeniably and staggeringly in love with her. Instead she’d listened to her jumbled-up head and channeled all that desire into anger. Her mouth had shifted into high gear and she’d driven Mary away.

Wracked with anguish, she bent over. The pain in her legs intensified as the throbbing began to deepen. She closed her eyes against the horrifying image of Mary’s parting expression. She’d lost her chance and screwed everything up.

If you would only come back, I could tell you how I really feel. Oh, my God. What have I done?

Mary had run less than a block when she slowed her pace. Something wasn’t right. Beth had all but told her to go to hell, but her expression had communicated a different message. Mary had seen the same consternation on her face before. She’d seen it when Beth rebuffed her, at times when she seemed to feel vulnerable. Mary now knew what it meant. Beth wasn’t rejecting her. She was trying to protect herself.

Her expression at those moments wasn’t disinterest, but a longing for something she couldn’t have. It was glaringly obvious that Beth was denying her true feelings. Mary understood her apprehension and had politely acquiesced. But in doing so, she suspected she’d sent Beth a message—that she wasn’t interested enough to pursue her.

She’d been a coward, unwilling to own up to the feelings Beth aroused. The depth of her attraction disturbed her. She found herself dealing with a sharp sense of loss every time she walked away from Beth. The feeling pushed her buttons.

Beth was recovering from a breakup. Women in her situation found consolation in someone’s arms. They had affairs that didn’t last. Mary understood that, firsthand, and that experience had made her uneasy. She didn’t want to be discarded when Beth was ready to move on. But was she going to squelch a chance for love because she feared she would be left alone again?

Mary slowed down and looked back. She couldn’t see Beth. And by tomorrow, she knew Beth would be gone. The thought felt like a kick to the heart.

Blood dripped from Beth’s bandage. She’d traveled all this way and had come up short of the finish line. Worse, she’d come up short in a love that was new and unexpected. Holding back a torrent of tears, she watched the runners pouring into Golden Gate Park. There would be buses shuttling participants back to the staging area at Justin Herman Plaza. If she took her time, she could make her way to the finish line and find transport.

A rumble of voices caught her attention. She couldn’t tell what the spectators around her were saying, but quite a few people were craning to see something down the road. The faces of the crowd were all fixed in the same direction.

Through the cluster of race entrants running toward the park, a lone woman ran in the opposite direction. The runners were parting left and right to stream around her, allowing Beth a clear view. Her heart swelled. Mary, with a determined look on her face, was headed straight for her. She’s coming back for me.

Beth stepped out into the street. The buzz of the spectators’ curiosity increased, but it was white noise to Beth. She was transfixed by the woman running her way. Mary’s strong legs flexed and her hair bobbed up and down with her strides. She was magnificent.

Beth had tried to drive her away, knowing that someone like her would have her fun and then leave anyway. But she knew now that she’d been terribly wrong. As much as she couldn’t get Mary out of her heart, Mary wouldn’t be driven away.

Run to me, Beth thought, then took to her feet, running straight for Mary with no regard to pain or the startled gasps of the crowd. Immediately they were in each other’s arms, heads tucked into each other’s necks, embracing tightly.

“I can’t leave you,” Mary declared. “I am crazy about you. I needed to tell you but I didn’t think you wanted me.”

“I want you, Mary. I’m so sorry for yelling at you.” Beth held on even tighter. “I’ve been afraid to love you.”

Mary pulled back until they could look into each other’s eyes. “Why?”

“You don’t want to settle down. And I’m the settle-down type.”

Mary took a deep breath. “Gwen’s death has had me in a stranglehold for too long. I held on to that love long after I should have. But when you and I made love, that changed.”

“But what about the other women?”

“My idiotic way of compensating. Until I met you, I never wanted to get really close to anyone in that way. You’ve changed that, Beth. My God, you’ve changed everything. I want to love you. Only you.”

Beth tilted her head, peering into Mary’s eyes, finally letting herself see the woman Mary was, not the player she’d gauged her to be. She was right there, tenderly regarding Beth, a hand cupped to her cheek, eyes bright with emotion.

“I’ve been a fool,” Beth said.

Mary’s growing affection for her had not been a farce. Mary wanted her. She ran to me, even after I yelled at her to go. With that realization, Beth allowed into her heart all the possibilities that loving Mary could offer. She made Beth feel appreciated and desired. With her, Beth knew a joy she hadn’t thought was possible.

“We’ve both been dancing around this,” Mary said. “Resisting the inevitable.”

Beth grinned. “The inevitable. Is that another law of thermodynamics?”

“For us, yes. There are times when you just can’t put out a fire.”

“I tried,” Beth conceded. “I’ve been fighting all these emotions. And because I thought you only wanted a casual affair, I was trying to hide my feelings. And this desire…this incredible desire.”

Mary stroked Beth’s cheek. “Don’t ever hide that part of you.”

“Somehow I don’t think I’ll be able to now.”

“Your love is so amazing. It’s beautiful when you let it out.” Mary kissed her briefly and softly. “And I’m going to let it all out, too.”

“I love you, Mary.”

Mary’s voice shook. “And I love you.”

“Let’s finish what we started.” Beth looked up and down the street.

Thin streams of runners passed by, petering out as the final wave left Beth and Mary standing out in the road, alone. The spectators and officials had already started off toward the finish line, eager to be there for the closing.

“Oh, yes,” Mary said. “First we need to get you a ride to the finish line.”

“But we’re going to finish what we started, and the race is the first step.”

“You’re in no condition to run.”

“If you’ll help me, I can do this. After all, you did come back for me.”

“I’m sorry I left in the first place.”

Beth put her arms around Mary’s neck. “All that matter is that you’re here.”

They kissed briefly but tenderly, then turned toward the park and began to run together. The few people that were still around them enthusiastically clapped.

“How are your knees?” Mary asked after a few strides.

“They hurt like hell.” As a matter of fact, the pain was severe, but Beth would endure anything as long as Mary was next to her.

“Let’s just go slowly. But tell me if you need to stop.”

As they progressed through the park, each footfall was torture. “There’s no stopping now.”

“The race or us?”

“Both.” Beth stumbled, and Mary grabbed her around the waist.

“We need to stop.” Mary’s voice was full of concern.

“No, let’s do this.”

Starting now, Beth promised herself, she was not looking back. She’d almost lost a chance at love, and maybe she would make a few mistakes with Mary, but none of them would be about running away.

The finish line stood only a hundred yards ahead. Beth could see the Coop residents yelling and waving at them. Mary held on to her and they slowly approached the end of the race. A concerned look materialized on Alder’s face when she noticed the bloodied knees. Beth gave her friends a thumbs-up and heard Alder’s booming voice.

“Regrets be damned!”

After ten more strides, Beth and Mary crossed the finish line together.

Many hours later, in a sea of blankets and rumpled sheets, they held each other. Early morning light filtered in from the tiny window in Beth’s attic room. Their race clothes were in a small pile by the door and two towels from their shower hung over the bathroom door.

“You missed your departure to L.A.” Mary traced her fingers lightly across Beth’s breasts.

“Looks like it.” Beth’s voice was low. “You know what one of the greatest things was, yesterday?”

“Finishing the race?”

Beth shook her head. “Feeling you come in my mouth last night.”

Mary’s eyes flew open. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I felt your muscles contracting. Right here.” Beth touched a finger to her chin.

Mary raised her hand. “Waiter. Check, please!”

“And what you did later on was amazing, too.”

“I afraid you’ll have to be more specific.”

Beth rolled Mary onto her stomach and positioned herself over her. “Let me show you.”

Mary knew what she was referring to. With a lusty groan of anticipation, she dropped her face into the pillow as Beth lowered her naked body. Beth’s public bone pressed down on her ass and slowly began to grind into her. As she did so, Mary grabbed handfuls of the bottom sheet with her fists to anchor them both. Tightening her ass muscles, she pushed up to meet each thrust. She could feel Beth adjusting, finding just the right spot. When her clit was right where she wanted it, Mary felt her quiver. And when Beth reached over and held Mary by her wrists, restraining her, Mary’s clit began to throb.

They moved together, Beth pushing against her from behind. Mary’s head spun as the movements increased. She could feel Beth’s breasts sliding up and down against her back. She wanted to reach down and touch herself, but it excited her that much more to be pinned down.

Beth’s ragged voice was hot on her neck. “I can’t believe I’m going to come this way.”

“Take your time, baby,” Mary encouraged.

Beth began to tremble and her thrusts quickened rhythmically. “I can’t,” was all she said and then her breathing grew stronger and she bucked against Mary, calling out her name. She continued to grind into her, calling out, “Yes, baby,” while Mary pushed up against her.

As the trembling subsided, Mary felt Beth’s weight come to rest on her. She turned over, pulling Beth down on top of her. They lay there, arms wrapped around one another.

“I loved that,” Mary said.

“I’ve never done that before.” Beth nibbled Mary’s ear.

“I believe there will be a lot of new things for you and me,” Mary said.

Beth drew in a deep, contented breath. She finally understood why she had really escaped L.A. She’d lost herself in a relationship that was wrong for her, and yet she couldn’t see that clearly. Her idea of the right woman had been a fabricated image of what she thought she wanted. She’d felt like a failure when she couldn’t mold her life to fit the fantasy.

Then, right in front of her, appeared a wonderful woman she wanted more than she’d ever wanted anyone. But Mary didn’t fit her preconceived notions. Beth smiled. She was more than happy to discard her old ideas for new ones that suited her better. She’d driven out of L.A. to lose herself. It was quite a shock to realize that here, in the middle of the city of fog, she had actually found herself instead.

She cupped her hand around Mary’s face. “I almost lost you.”

“And I almost let you get away,” Mary said, and just before they kissed again, she added, “So we’re even.”