Do you expect too much from yourself?

At 39, Rachel Fields has experienced her share of successes and failures in her personal and professional life, but, like many of us, she spends more time dwelling on the failures. The problem is, Rachel doesn't allow herself any time to celebrate when something goes well in her life. 'The minute I finish a long-term project at work, I think, how can I do it better next time?

'If I have friends round for dinner and everyone tells me they had a nice time, I can't help thinking: "It would have been better if I'd been wittier, more engaging, more entertaining." I constantly feel as though I'm letting myself down.'

Rachel had gone through life accepting her perfectionist tendencies as just another part of her, until she found herself projecting them onto her partner.

Perfectionism affects most of us to some degree from the office assistant who revises her work 20 times to the working mother who won't let the illusion that she can easily manage all the demands of career and family slip for a moment. We don't want to admit that we are anything less than perfect.

At its most extreme, perfectionism can be dangerous or even deadly, a factor in depression, anxiety, social phobias, eating disorders and suicide. The common sort holds you back in life by making it harder to experiment, roll with the punches and move on. If you are a perfectionist, you probably like your high standards and won't give them up without a fight. But you may want to think about the origin of your fears. 'Perfectionism runs in families,' says Canadian psychologist Professor Gordon Flett, a leading researcher in the field. 'There's a genetic element, but there is also the impulse to imitate our parents' high standards, or live up to their expectations.'

Praise and criticism

Teachers often see perfectionism in gifted children, although psychologists disagree over whether it's built into intelligence. 'Perfectionism can result from the need for admiration,' explains Ken Rice, a research psychologist at the University of Florida. A gifted child who is overpraised, or rewarded solely for achievements, could easily learn to associate love with her performance. 'Contingent self-esteem', a deep-seated fear that you must meet requirements to be lovable - or even acceptable - can be planted by a critical or cold home. Once seeded, perfectionism is fed by modern society. It may be a psychological risk factor in market economies, observes Martin Antony of Ryerson University in Toronto.

Healthy high standards

Having high standards can be good. Some psychologists even distinguish between 'maladaptive' and 'adaptive' perfectionism. People with healthy high standards — 'adaptive' perfectionists — have 'higher life-satisfaction and self-esteem than maladaptive or non-perfectionists,' reports Jeff Ashby, a psychologist at Georgia State University. Their standards might be as exacting, but the difference is in how they deal with failures in meeting them: the woman who accepts that her husband might need to be reminded to put his clothes in the laundry basket, and the one who gets upset each time he forgets. In a study of 200 engaged couples, Ashby and his team found that women with healthy high standards had more harmonious relationships than those with lower expectations. Not surprisingly, couples that included a self-oriented perfectionist were less happy.

'Perfectionists can never be satisfied,' says Flett. 'Even when they achieve a goal, they immediately think: 'Now I have to do it again. Or now I have to work as hard to keep at that level.' Or they think, 'I've finally achieved my goal but I shouldn't have had to try so hard, it shouldn't have taken me so long.' So how do you know if your high standards are healthy? Here's the key: you're not terrified of failure. When you succeed, you're not sighing with relief - you're happy. If you have a setback, you don't feel worthless. You don't beat yourself up. You revise your expectations, move on or try again.

What type оf perfectionist are you?

· I am not satisfied with anything less than perfection

· I expect other people to do their absolute best for me at all times

· I should never make the same mistake twice under any circumstances

· People often put too much pressure on me to be perfect

· My work should be flawless

· Some people never allow me to make any mistakes

· People must try to be perfect if they want my respect

· I can't stand to make mistakes

· There is nothing wrong with expecting others to be perfect

I drive myself to always do better, even when things are almost perfect

If i want approval from certain people in my life, I can't make any mistakes

I am often frustrated by the unrealistic demands placed on me to be perfect

Although they may not like it. I cannot tolerate other people's mistakes

I am more likely than other people to let others know when they have made a mistake

There are people in my life who aren't satisfied with anything less than perfection from me