Give your child the happiness trait

(by Caroline Jabs)

"This is the happiest day of my life," my six-year-old son says as he unwraps the new video game I've given him. He's at least as happy as last week when he said the same thing for another reason. In the last 48 hours, my son has also been miserable because I refused to let him snack before dinner, made him sleep in his own bed and insisted that he clean his room before playing outside.

Happiness is both a "state" and a "trait"*, according to Edward Diener, a psychologist at the University of Illinois at Champaign. The state of happiness is a need that comes and goes. I can induce it in my two-year-old daughter simply by making a silly face.

The trait of happiness is more stable. Diener describes it as a "predisposition" to feelings of well-being. I see it in my daughter when she gets out of bed with a smile, eager to take on the day. Even when life isn't so pleasant, she can sustain her optimism and hopefulness.

This is a skill that can be learned, preferably by coping with small difficulties in childhood. "You can have a very happy childhood and be an unhappy adult," says Dennis Prager, author of the forthcoming book "Happiness Is a Serious Problem." "In fact, a childhood without any pain or frustration is almost a recipe for an unhappy adulthood."

A recipe for a happy disposition through life is harder to come by, but researchers have identified key ingredients. By focusing on these, parents are more likely to raise children with the trait of happiness built into their character.

Give your child choices. Happiness can be linked to a sense of directing and controlling one's life.

This conclusion weakens the myth that childhood is or should be one of life's happiest times. Children are excluded from decisions about everything from the dinner menu to whether there will be other kinds in the household. The resulting sense of pow-eriessness may make childhood much less happy than adults think. Parents can watch for ways in which their children can participate. That can mean letting a two-year-old eat cucumbers instead of carrots at dinner, or allowing a six-year-old to decide which of several approved television shows he'll watch. Even at this level, children learn to make choices that affect their happiness.

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* Happiness is both a "state" and a "trait."– Счастье– это и состояние, и черта характера.

Foster warm relationships. Although parents can't run a child's social life, they can nurture it by making their own relationship with each child warm and satisfactory. "If children are going to experience good relationships with other people," says Carol Ryff, associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, "they first need positive relationships with their parents."

Parents can also make sure their children get together regularly with other kids, perhaps by joining a play group or taking their child to the playground when others that age are likely to be there. It further helps if the home is a place where friends feel welcome.

Finally, parents can help their children develop empathy for other people. They can talk about what other people might be experiencing in the family, the stories they read, the TV shows they watch.

Resist the urge to spoil.* Common sense suggests– and research confirms – that people with adequate incomes are happier than those without. The key word is adequate. What is important is having enough to provide for basic needs and feeling content with what you have. "Giving children too much creates the illusion that acquisition is a source of happiness," says family psychologist John Rosemond. He discovered that his own children became much more resourceful – and happy – when he drastically reduced the number of their toys. Says Rosemond, "Kids who are not materialistic are capable of being quite content with less** because they are more creative about playing the cards dealt them." That doesn't mean children should never be indulged with presents. They simply should never feel that their happiness depends on a constant barrage of material things.

Encourage broad interest. "Happy individuals live a balanced life," says Michael Fordyce, author of "Psychology of Happiness," "so they have many sources of happiness. When happiness depends on one thing, you're on shaky ground."*** One child, for instance, may have his whole evening ruined because his favourite television show was reemptied. Another child with more interest might instead enjoy reading a book or playing a game. Although parents can't know what will win a child's attention, theycan offer a variety of activities.

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* Resist the urge to spoil. – He поддавайтесь искушению баловать детей.

** to be quite content with less – довольствоваться малым

*** to be on shaky ground – стоять на зыбкой почве

This may mean limiting the time allowed to watch television and play video games, which can choke down other interests*.

Cultivating diverse interests is especially important for children who are unusually good at one thing, often these kids get so much attention for their talent that they pursue it to the exclusion of other things.

Teach resilience***. "Happy people have their downs*** like everyone else," says Fordyce. "But they rebound quickly." Parents can help children learn this all-important skill by pointing out the silver lining in most clouds****.

Promote a happy home. One of the best ways to help a child find enduring happiness is for the parents to look for it in their own lives. "The finest thing you can do for your children is to become a happy fulfilled person," Fordyce explains. "The person who comes from a happy home has a ten to 20 percent greater chance of being a happy adult."

The connection may be partly genetic – there is evidence that the predisposition to happiness is inherited – but happiness also comes from the environment created by happy parents. Parents should practice in their own lives the values that produce happiness. Moreover, they should be sure to tell their children why they're happy.

Assignments:

1. Read the text and in a few sentences say what it is about.

2. Read it again and pay special attention to the advice different authors give so that our children should be happy.

3. Say whether you agree with the following statements:

1) Happiness is both a "state" and a "trait."

2) The trait of happiness is a skill that can be learnt.

3) Childhood should be one of life's happiest times.

4) Parents can nurture a child's social life by making their own relationship with each child warm and satisfying.

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* to choke down other interests – подавлять другие интересы

** resilience – способность быстро восстанавливать утраченные силы

*** happy people have their downs – и у счастливых людейбываютгрустные моменты

**** Имеется в виду пословица: "Every cloud has its silver lining." – Нет худа без добра.

5) What is important is having enough to provide for basic needs and feeling content with what you have.

6) Giving children too much creates the illusion that acquisition is a source of happiness.

7) Happy individuals live a balanced life.

8) Cultivating diverse interests is especially important for children who are unusually good at one thing.

9) Happy people have their downs like everyone else.

10) The person who comes from a happy home has a much greater chance of being a happy adult.

4. What in your opinion is the most important thing for parents to do to make their child happy?

5. Speak of your own attitude to the problem of people's happiness. What does a person need to be happy? Can you give an example of an ideal happy family? A happy person? An unhappy person?

6. If you were a magician, what would you do to make all the people happy?