Would you like a cigar?

May I buy you a drink?

I tried it once and I didn't like it.

Would you like a cigar?

An industrial expert (специалист в /области/ индустрии) went around asking (ходил «вокруг», опрашивая) different people (разных людей), "What do you like best about your job? (что вам больше всего нравится в вашей работе)"

"The good pay (хорошая оплата)," one factory worker replied (один фабричный рабочий ответил).

"What do you like least about your job? (что вам меньше всего нравится в вашей работе)" asked the expert (спросил эксперт).

"The good pay," he said again (снова).

The expert was surprised (был удивлен). "What do you mean? (что вы имеете в виду) You like it the best and you like it the least? (вам нравится это больше всего и вам нравится это меньше всего)"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well (ну, она мне нравится, потому что приносит мне хорошие деньги: «платит мне хорошо»), so that's the good part (поэтому это хорошая часть = это плюс, достоинство). But if it didn't pay so well (но если бы она не «платила» так хорошо), I'd quit! (я бы ушел; to quit – оставлять, покидать; увольняться, бросать работу) That would be better! (это было бы лучше)"

An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like best about your job?"

"The good pay," one factory worker replied.

"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.

"The good pay," he said again.

The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least?"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"

What do you like best about your job?

What do you mean?

So that's the good part.

That would be better!

A newspaper was running a competition (газета проводила соревнование) to discover (чтобы выявить: «открыть») the most high principled (самого высокопринципиального), sober (здравомыслящего: «трезвого»), well-behaved (добропорядочного: to behave well – вести себя хорошо) citizen (гражданина ['sıtızn]). Among the entries came one which read (среди заявок пришла одна /to come-came-come/, которая гласила: «читала» /to read [ri:d]-read [red]-read [red]/):

"I don't smoke (я не курю), touch intoxicants (не употребляю спиртные напитки; to touch – трогать, прикасаться) or gamble (не играю в азартные игры). I am faithful to my wife (я верен своей жене) and never look at another woman (и никогда не смотрю на другую женщину). I am hard working (я много работающий), quiet (спокойный) and obedient (послушный; obedient [∂`bi:dj∂nt]). I never go to the movies or the theater (я никогда не хожу в кино или в театр), and I go to bed early (и ложусь спать: «иду в постель» рано) every night (каждый вечер) and rise with the dawn (и поднимаюсь с зарей). I attend chapel regularly every Sunday (посещаю церковь каждое воскресенье) without fail (обязательно: «без недостатка = без пропуска»; to fail – потерпеть неудачу; обманывать ожидания, не удаваться; недоставать, не хватать).

"I've been like this for the past three years (я был таким: «подобно этому» последние три года). But just wait until next spring (но подождите только до следующей весны), when they let me out of here! (когда они меня отсюда выпустят)"

A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled, sober, well-behaved citizen. Among the entries came one which read:

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and never look at another woman. I am hard working, quiet and obedient. I never go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

"I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next spring, when they let me out of here!"

I never go to the movies.

Arriving for a visit (приехав в гости), the woman asked her small granddaughter (женщина спросила свою маленькую внучку), "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother? (Меган, как тебе нравится твой новый малыш-братик)"

"Oh, he's all right (он классный: «в порядке»)," the child shrugged (ребенок пожал /плечами/). "But there were a lot of things we needed worse (но было много вещей, в которых мы нуждались больше; worse – хуже)."

Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."

Oh, he's all right.

But there were a lot of things we needed worse.

"Hello there (здорóво: «привет тут»)", said the vacuum cleaner salesman (продавец пылесоса; to clean – чистить; clean – чистый) to the little girl (маленькой девочке) who answered the door (которая открыла дверь; to answer – отвечать). "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? (не хотите ли купить пылесос) Watch this! (посмотри на это)" Pushing his way into the house (протиснувшись в дом: to push – толкать; way – путь), the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint (начал с того, что перевернул кучку пуха; to proceed – приняться, приступить; dump – свалка, груда хлама; to dump – сбрасывать, сваливать /мусор/; pile – куча, груда; lint – корпия) and coffee grounds onto the shag carpet (и кофейную гущу на ворсистый ковер).

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up (если не вычистит эту грязь немедленно)," he boasted (похвастался) with a big smile (с широкой улыбкой), " why… («ну, тогда»…) I'll eat it right up (я это прямо возьму и съем)."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room (при этом девочка повернулась и вышла из комнаты /to leave-left-left – оставлять, покидать/).

"Where you going, kid? (куда ты идешь, малышка)" called the salesman (позвал продавец). "To find your mom? (найти свою маму, за мамой)"

"Nope (нет, не-а)," answered (ответила) the little girl from the doorway (из дверного проема = уже в дверях), "I'm getting a plate and a spoon... (я возьму тарелку и ложку, я иду за тарелкой и ложкой) 'cause we don't have any electricity! (потому что /because/ у нас вовсе нет электричества)"

"Hello there," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a big smile, "why… I'll eat it right up."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room.

"Where you going, kid?" called the salesman. "To find your mom?"

"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a plate and a spoon... 'cause we don't have any electricity!"

Watch this!

I'm getting a plate and a spoon.

A grade school teacher (учительница начальной школы) was asking students (спрашивала учеников) what their parents did for a living (что их родители делают для «проживания» = чем они зарабатывают на жизнь). "Tim, you be first (Тим, ты будь = будешь первым)," she said. "What does your mother do all day? (что твоя мама делает весь день = чем она занята)"

Tim stood up and proudly said (Тим поднялся и гордо сказал /to stand-stood-stood/), "She's a doctor (она доктор)."

"That's wonderful (это чудесно). How about you, Amie? (а у тебя, Эми)"

Amie shyly (застенчиво) stood up, scuffed her feet (повозила ногами) and said, "My father is a mailman (мой отец почтальон)."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father (а как насчет твоего отца), Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced (объявил; announce [∂`nauns]), "My daddy plays piano (мой папа играет на пианино) in a whorehouse (в борделе; whore – проститутка)."

The teacher was aghast (ошеломлена; aghast – пораженный ужасом, ошеломленный [∂`ga:st]) and promptly (быстро, тут же) changed the subject to geography (переменила тему на географию). Later that day (позже в тот же день) she went to Billy's house and rang the bell (позвонила в звонок /to ring-rang-rung/).

Billy's father answered the door (открыл дверь; to answer – отвечать). The teacher explained (разъяснила, сообщила) what his son had said (что сказал его сын) and demanded an explanation (и потребовала объяснения).

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney (на самом деле я адвокат). How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? (как бы я объяснил это: «как могу я объяснить подобную вещь» семилетнему /ребенку/)"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

You be first!

How about you?

Answer the door, please!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale – продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

"I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble – пузырь; to bubble – пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). "It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), "But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"

The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"

I adore this dress!

I'll take it!

A guy from Georgia (парень из Джорджии) enrolled at Harvard (поступил в Гарвардский университет: to enroll – вносить в список, зачислять, записывать/ся/ [ın`r∂ul]; roll – свиток, сверток; реестр, каталог) and on his first day (и в свой первый день) he was walking across the campus (он прогуливался по территории университета) and asked an upperclassman (и спросил старшекурсника), drawling heavily (сильно растягивая слова), "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? (вы не могли бы мне сказать, где расположена библиотека /с предлогом at эта фраза звучит несколько просторечно/)"

The upperclassman responded (ответил), "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions (в Гарварде мы не заканчиваем предложения предлогами)."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then (ну тогда), could you tell me (не мог бы ты мне сказать) where the library is at, asshole? (придурок: asshole – задний проход: ass – задница + hole – дырка)"

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The youngest son (младший сын) of a great Indian chief (великого индейского вождя) went to his father and asked (пришел к отцу и спросил), "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? (как ты выбрал имена для своих троих детей)"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born (когда твой старший брат родился), the first sight I saw (первое, что я увидел: «первый вид, зрелище» /to see-saw-seen/) after the moment of his birth (после момента его рождения) was a bear running through the woods (был медведь, бегущий по лесу); so I named him running-bear (и так я назвал его Бегущий Медведь). The morning your sister was born (в то утро, когда твоя сестра была рождена), the first sight I saw was a beautiful star (прекрасная звезда), so I named her morning-star (Утренняя Звезда). But why do you ask me such a question (но почему ты задаешь мне такой вопрос), two-dogs-fucking? (Две-Трахающиеся-Собаки)"

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?"

But why do you ask me such a question?

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"

"That's his tail, son (это его хвост, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing! (это другая штука)"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son (о, это его хобот, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! (между его ногами)"

"Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing - о, это ничего)," replies the mother.

Undaunted (не смутившись; to daunt – укрощать, устрашать; undaunted – неустрашимый), the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"

A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing!"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Uh, that's nothin'," replies the mother.

Undaunted, the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"

I spoiled that woman!

A woman wanted a divorce (женщина хотела развода). She went to the courthouse (она пришла в суд; court – двор /короля/; суд) and appeared before the judge (и предстала: «появилась» перед судьей).

The judge reviewed her petition and asked (судья просмотрел ее прошение и спросил), "Do you have grounds? (у вас есть основания)"

The woman looked at him quizzically (пытливо, с недоумением; to quiz – смотреть насмешливо или с любопытством /уст./) and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor (ваша Честь), we do have about an acre and a half (у нас что-то около полутора акров: «акр и половина» /слово «ground» имеет несколько значений, здесь: 1) основание, повод 2) земля/)."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge? (я имею в виду, вы испытываете недовольство; to have a grudge against somebody – иметь «зуб» на кого-либо)"

The bewildered (сбитая с толку) woman replied, "No, we just have a carport (нет, у нас стоянка /слова grudge (недовольство) и garage (гараж) похожи по звучанию/)."

The judge was becoming frustrated (начал нервничать). "You're not getting the point (вы не понимаете смысла /вопроса/: «не получаете, не схватываете суть»)," he said. "Does he beat you up? (он с вами плохо обращается, бьет вас; to beat – бить; побеждать; to beat up – избивать, обходиться со зверской жестокостью)"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 (я встаю, уже на ногах в 6.30) and he doesn't get up until 7:00 (а он не поднимается до семи)."

The judge was exasperated (был рассержен, выведен из себя). He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? (послушайте, леди, зачем вы здесь) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? (какая причина у вас есть, чтобы желать развода)"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem (потому что у моего мужа и у меня есть проблема с общением = мы плохо понимаем друг друга)."

A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.

The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"

The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"

The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."

The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."

The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."

You're not getting the point.

My dentist told me (мой зубной врач сказал мне /to tell-told-told/) he had good news and bad news (что у него есть хорошая новость и плохая).

I said, "Give me the bad news first (давайте плохую новость первой). Maybe (может быть) the good news will cheer me up (меня утешит, ободрит; to cheer – привествовать громкими возгласами; ободрять)."

"Well, you need a root canal (вам нужен «корневой канал»)," he started, "and complete lower bridgework (полный нижний мост). It's going to cost about $3,000 (это будет стоить около 3000$)."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed (воскликнул). "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed (улыбнулся; beam – луч; to beam – сиять; лучезарно улыбаться), "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday (что я загнал мяч в лунку вчера /hole-in-one – высший результат при игре в гольф/; hole – дырка /to shoot-shot-shot – стрелять; попадать/)."

My dentist told me he had good news and bad news.

I said, "Give me the bad news first. Maybe the good news will cheer me up."

"Well, you need a root canal," he started, "and complete lower bridgework. It's going to cost about $3,000."

"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What's the good news?"

"The good news," he beamed, "is that I shot a hole-in-one yesterday."

Mildred came back (вернулась) from her annual check up (после своего ежегодного осмотра; to check up – проверять) with her doctor (у врача) in an unusually good mood (в непривычно хорошем настроении; usual – обычный), and her husband (ее супруг) asked her what had made her day (спросил ее, что ее так обрадовало: «сделало ее день»).

Mildred said, "The doctor told me (доктор сказал мне) that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old (что у меня груди восемнадцатилетней)."

To which her husband responded (на что ее муж ответил), "What did he say about your forty-six-year-old ass? (а что он сказал о твоей сорокашестилетней заднице)"

Milly retorted (парировала), "He didn't say a word about you! (он не сказал ни слова о тебе)"

Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.

Mildred said, "The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

To which her husband responded, "What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?"

Milly retorted, "He didn't say a word about you!"

What has made your day?

The musician finally finished a new song (музыкант наконец закончил новую песню), but no one buys it (но никто не покупает ее). He was telling another musician about it (он рассказывал другому музыканту об этом), and the other guy said, "Let me hear it (дай мне ее послушать = сыграй-ка)".

The first guy went to the piano (подошел к фортепиано) and played a wonderful tune (и сыграл чудесную мелодию). When he finished (когда он закончил), the second (второй) guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see (я не понимаю: «не вижу») why no one buys it (почему ее никто не покупает). What do you call it? (как ты ее называешь = назвал)"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit (я люблю тебя так чертовски сильно: «много», что могу: «мне нужно, хочется» обкакаться; gotta = got to)."

The musician finally finished a new song, but no one buys it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said, "Let me hear it".

The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said, "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?"

The first man says, "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit."

Let me hear it.

I don't see why no one will buy it.

I love you so goddam much I gotta shit.

A crusty (угрюмый; crust – корка /хлеба/) old man (старик) walks into a bank (приходит в банк) and says to the teller at the window (кассирше в окошке), "I want to open (я хочу открыть) a damn checking account (чертов /чековый/ счет)."

The astonished (удивленная) woman replies, "I beg your pardon (прошу прощения), sir. I must have misunderstood you (должно быть, я вас не поняла: «неверно поняла»). What did you say? (что вы сказали)"

"Listen up, damn it (послушай, черт побери: «проклятье»; to damn it – проклясть это). I said I want to open a damn checking account now! (сейчас = сейчас же)"

"I'm very sorry (очень извиняюсь) sir, but that kind of language (но подобный язык: «такая разновидность языка») is not tolerated in this bank (недопустим: «не терпится» в этом банке)."

The teller leaves (кассир покидает) the window and goes over (проходит) to the bank manager to inform him of her situation (объяснить ему свою ситуацию). The manager agrees (соглашается) that the teller does not have to listen to foul language (не должна слушать непристойный язык; foul – грязный; непристойный).

They both return to the window (они оба возвращаются к окошку) and the manager asks the old geezer (менеджер спрашивает старого чудика), "Sir, what seems to be the problem here? (что за проблема здесь: «что кажется быть проблемой здесь»)"

"There is no damn problem (да никакой чертовой проблемы)," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks (просто я выиграл 50 миллионов баксов /to win-won-won/) in the damn lottery (в чертову лотерею) and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank (и я хочу открыть чертов счет в этом проклятом банке), okay?"

"I see (понимаю: «вижу»)," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time? (и эта сука вас достает: «дает вам трудное время»)"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

I’m very sorry.

Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Two retired banking colleagues (двое вышедших на пенсию банковских коллег), Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch (наслаждались несколькими бокалами мартини во время обеда) when John suddenly mused (когда Джон вдруг задумался), "You know, when I was thirty (знаешь, когда мне было тридцать), my erection was so hard (жесткой, твердой, крепкой) that I could grip it with both hands (что я мог захватить, сжать обеими руками) and not be able to bend it (и не был в состоянии нагнуть)."

Harry nodded in understanding (Гарри кивнул с пониманием).

John continued (продолжал), "When I was forty (когда мне было сорок), I could bend it ten degrees (мог отогнуть на десять градусов) with the greatest of effort (с сильнейшим напряжением). At fifty (в пятьдесят), I could bend it maybe twenty degrees (может быть, на двадцать градусов). And now that I'm past sixty (когда мне больше шестидесяти), I can bend it in half with one hand (наполовину, одной рукой)."

John paused to take a sip of his drink (умолк, чтобы отхлебнуть выпивки), and then (затем) said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get (Гарри, интересно, насколько сильнее я /еще/ стану).

Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and not be able to bend it."

Harry nodded in understanding.

John continued, "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees. And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."

John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."

I wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get.

Some small-time crooks (несколько мелких плутов; crook – крюк; обманщик, плут) decided (решили) that people were so stupid (что люди так глупы) that they would accept 18 dollar bills (что они бы приняли 18-ти долларовые купюры) if somebody gave then any (если бы кто-нибудь им дал их /to give-gave-given/). So they carefully made some plates (они аккуратно сделали несколько клише) and printed some up (и напечатали несколько), and went to a small town to try them out (и поехали в маленький городок испробовать их). They got up to a shopkeeper (они подошли к владельцу магазина) and talked for a while (и поговорили немного), then casually said (потом небрежно, вскользь сказали), "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill? (скажи, ты можешь мне разменять 18-ти долларовый чек)"

"Sure (конечно)," said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина). "What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел»), three 6's or two 9's? (три /купюры/ по шесть или две по девять)"

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

There was a position open (было свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме). They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили /число/ претендентов до трех»). The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно). He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата).

"I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос)," says the president (сказал президент), "What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два)"

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) "Four (четыре)."

"Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся = мы с вами свяжемся)," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит), same question (тот же вопрос) "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом), thinks a little bit and says "Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять»)."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно), don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам /сами/ позвоним)."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, "What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было)"

The president exclaims (восклицает), "YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек = вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите)"

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed – выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest – остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away – убрать).

But... I must know, did he have a different father? (но... я должен знать, у него другой отец; different – отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able – умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/)."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake – трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster – сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster – собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?... Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".

Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

** LOST DOG (пропала собака: «пропавшая собака») **

3 legs (три лапы),

Blind in left eye (слепа на левый глаз),

Missing right ear (не хватает правого уха),

Tail broken (сломан хвост /to break-broke-broken/),

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована),

Answers to the name of (откликается на кличку)

"LUCKY (Счастливчик)"

** LOST DOG **

3 legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken,

Recently castrated,

Answers to the name of

"LUCKY"

Little girl asked her Mom (маленькая девочка спросила маму), "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (мама, могу я повести собаку гулять: «взять на прогулку») around the block? (по кварталу: «вокруг квартала»)"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat (нет, потому что у собаки течка: heat – жар; жара)."

"What's that mean? (что это значит)" asked the child (спросило дитя).

"Go ask your Father (пойди спроси у отца). I think he's in the garage (думаю, он в гараже)."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie (могу я взять Сюзи) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom (я спросила маму) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you (и чтобы я спросила тебя)."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here (давай: «приведи» сюда Сюзи)." He took a rag (он взял тряпку /to take-took-taken/), soaked it with gasoline (намочил ее в бензине), and scrubbed the dog's butt with it (и потер ею cобачий зад) and said, "Ok, you can go now (теперь можешь идти), but keep Susie on the leash (но держи Сюзи на поводке) and only go one time (и обойди только один раз) around the block."

Little girl left (ушла /to leave-left-left – оставить, покинуть/) and returned a few minutes later (вернулась через несколько минут) with no dog on the leash (без собаки на поводке).

Dad said, "Where's (где) Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas (у Сюзи кончился бензин; run out off... – истощить свой запас /чего-либо/) about halfway (примерно на полпути) down the block (вниз по кварталу) and there's another dog pushing her home (и там другая собака буксирует: «толкает» ее домой)."

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

What's that mean?

Bring Susie over here!

My car ran out of gas.

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы), filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами), a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться»). They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка /to feel-felt-felt/). When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику»), the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor – пол, настил; места для членов /законодательного/ собрания).

"What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой)"

Immediately (немедленно), the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное = вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать). On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака). After 5 – 10 – 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти – десяти – пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги), the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней), picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи), kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion – страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут), and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно /to sit-sat-sat/). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech – речь).

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief – вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло). The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем /to speak-spoke-spoken/), "Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю)"

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам)."

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 – 10 – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!

A woman was thinking (женщина подумывала) about finding a pet (о том, чтобы найти питомца, домашнее животное) to keep her company at home (составить ей компанию дома). She decided (она решила) she would like (что она предпочтет) to find a beautiful parrot (найти красивого попугая); it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog (это не было бы так много работы, как, скажем, с собакой), and it would be fun to hear it speak (и будет забавно слушать, как он говорит). She went to a pet shop (она пришла в зоомагазин) and immediately spotted (и тут же заметила) a large beautiful parrot (большого чудесного попугая). She went to the owner of the store (она подошла к владельцу магазина) and asked how much (и спросила, сколько /он стоит/). The owner said it was 50 bucks (владелец сказал: 50 баксов). Delighted (довольная) that such a rare looking (что такого редкого вида) and beautiful bird (и красивая птичка) wasn't more expensive (не была дороже), she agreed to buy it (она согласилась его купить).

The owner looked at her (посмотрел на нее) and said, "Listen, I should tell you first (послушайте, я должен вам сказать сначала = предупредить вас) that this bird used to live in a whorehouse (что эта птичка жила: «имела обыкновение жить» в борделе; whore – проститутка). Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff (иногда она говорит довольно пошлые вещи; stuff – материал)."

The woman thought about this (подумала об этом /to think-thought-thought/), but decided she had to have the bird (но решила, что она должна иметь эту птичку). She said she would buy it anyway (она сказала, что она в любом случае, все равно ее купит). The pet-shop owner sold (продал /to sell-sold-sold/) her the bird and she took it home (принесла ее домой /to take-took-taken – взять/). She hung the bird's cage up (она повесила птичью клетку) in her living room (в гостиной) and waited for it to say something (и стала ждать, чтобы он /попугай/ сказал что-нибудь).

The bird looked around the room (птица оглядела комнату), then at her (потом /посмотрела/ на нее), and said, "New house, new madam (новый дом, новая мадам)."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication (женщина была несколько шокирована смыслом, подтекстом /этих слов/; to implicate – вовлекать, впутывать; заключать в себе, подразумевать), but then thought, "That's not so bad (это не так плохо = ничего страшного)."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя), the woman's two teenage daughters (две дочери-тинейджеры /т.е. не достигшие еще 20 лет/) returned from school (вернулись из школы). When they inspected the bird (когда они рассматривали птицу), it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки)."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first (были немного оскорблены сначала), but then began to laugh about the situation (но потом начали смеяться над этой ситуацией /to begin-began-begun/).

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work (муж женщины пришел с работы). The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки, те же старые лица. Привет, Джордж)"

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

That's not so bad.

Same old faces.

Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) "I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу), if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) – and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle – перебранка, стычка). I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому»). I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту), fishing (рыбалку), boozing (на попойки; booze – спиртной напиток; to booze – пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу). Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания)"

His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала), "No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной»). Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) – whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет)."

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard t